Early Bird Bulletin

Thursday, July 10th 2025

• TERRITORY DISPUTE. 2 house wrens spotted fighting over birdhouse with leaky roof
• Interview with 2 plump leopard slugs under cardboard box. Reporter compares slug slime to "Permanent egg whites on the fingers"
• CANCELED? Mama house sparrow feeds juvenile seeds from ashtray

Early Bird Bulletin

Friday, July 11th 2025

• ATTEMPTED MURDER? 3 hens take turns picking up, kicking, pecking, and throwing screaming mouse across yard. Zero remorse. Unfortunately really funny.
• HENSBIANS? DO THEY EXIST? Wilma was spotted sitting huddled up in the hen house this morning with Miss Broody.Could it be love?
• NEW STRUCTURES TO THE YARD. Bird bath and suet block have been set up in yard. Foreman claims birds should be arriving within the next week, and he's excited to see it. Sources say the bird bath is not very stable and needs better ground anchorage. Sources can suck my dick.
• TRAPPED WASP PART OF MYSTERY NEST? A helpless and doofy looking wasp has been seen trapped in the dayroom, witnesses speculate the wasp may be a member of the new nest being built near the doorway. The wasp has been described as very skinny, with black and brown gradients all over the body, brown little stick legs, and long dark rectangle wings. Experts will be consulted soon.
• THROWBACK THU....FRIDAY In the 1950s, North America almost lost all 3 species of bluebird (Eastern, Western, and Mountain) due to extensive use of pesticides and wiping out habitats. Apparently a bunch of "bluebird enthusiasts" constructed and placed nesting boxes all over the country and they were saved and are currently no longer in danger thanks to those efforts! Thank you bluebird enthusiasts. I love you.
• CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF..ICED CORN? Panting hens and ducks everywhere marveled at the sight of frozen corn and squash raining from the palms of their local stalker.
  Wilma, a resident hen, states "She gave me a whole cube. All the other girls got pieces. I don't even know what to do with a whole cube of frozen corn. I took a few pieces off of it but I was mostly confused."
  Rachel Cooper, another resident and designated investigator, states "None of us were really into the squash, I don't know who this deer bird thing thinks she is? She just started showing up in the morning and doing things around the coop The Caretaker would, but sort of wrong. It took her a while to deduce that we prefer the frozen corn broken apart into smaller pieces, but she figured it out thankfully. Most of the girls have been panting lately in the heat so I'm sure they appreciated it." A local duck had this to say. "Fuuuuccvkkk i love squash oh my god AND CORN?? its raining food. I'm so happy. My tail can't stop wiggling."

Early Bird Bulletin

July 12, 2025

• HAWK ATTAWK. Chickens, chickadees, and blue jays alert the yard of an unwanted trespasser. Before the hawk could be recorded and properly identified, a whole band of birds chased them off. Power in numbers!
• HEN POLITICS. HOW DO THEY WORK? I should learn more about that. I'll study the hens closer...
• Meet the Hens fuck how do you make a list in a list. I'll format that later?? If anyone reading this knows let me know. Anyway onto the hens.
  Mathilde: mostly black and dark brown. Neutral on a lot of things. Mildly curious. A little rude to the other chickens, mostly keeps to herself.
  Rachel Cooper: dark reddish brown, spiky neck feathers swooped up and to the side. Named after the old lady with the shotgun from Davis Grubb's "Night of the Hunter". Rachel is usually suspicious. She eyes new arrivals very intensely and will walk up to investigate you, but if you move, she darts away. She's always followed by 2 white hens.
  Wilma: light brown with white feather tips on every feather. Used to be a firecracker when first entering the yard, but grew to fear a lot, the male ducks especially. Anxious, usually making distress calls. Before the yard she was the beloved pet chicken of a child on a farm, and she's very used to people. Cautiously pecks at food, doesn't come running for it. Only hen that seems to be comfortable and happy being held. Falls asleep in the hammock with the writer in the morning.
  Miss Broody/Miss Oaks: All white. All broody. All furious. Dinosaur screams. Hates everyone. Bit a red spot in the writer's hand when trying to retrieve eggs. Protective of Wilma.
  The Mysterious White girls: there are 3 white hens i have yet to figure out the defining features of. Here are some white hen observations. One is a poop girl. Always poopy. Needs to be cleaned frequently. Should be investigated. One is clean, pristine, and proud. Her butt is clean. She stands on the stump. She struts confidently. And one I've dubbed "Runaround Sue"..because every time I open the gate there is 1 white hen that comes sprinting at me as fast as her little drumsticks can carry her. She might be poop girl. I can never tell because I only see her from the front before I'm swarmed by the others. We'll see.
• SUET BLOCK GRAND OPENING The red ribbon for the early bird block has been officially cut, our first visitor being the ever confused Howard (House) Sparrow and his wife, Shirley Sparrow. Shortly after, a downy woodpecker.
• BABY BIRD OR DYING? A house wren and blue jay perch on the fence to investigate a strange and wheezy bird sound coming from the neighbor's yard. Could it be chicks? A dying animal? All we know is "ehhhhhh...iiihhhh.....ehh...." for the babies sake i hope it is not a baby. Blue jays eat babies.
• ANOTHER HAWK ATTACK? Hens panic, the predator alarm resounds. It's....2 downy woodpeckers.
• DROWNING RESCUE 2 days in a row, multiple times a day, these warm iridescent little beetle bitches get stuck in the bird bath and I scoop them out and set them on the ground. I've learned they are dogbane beetles.
• WASP UPDATE: NEW ARRIVALS? The wasp trapped in the office yesterday was a paper wasp, and does not belong to the hive on the side of the house. Paper wasps are long and thin with black and brown gradients, and their nests look like dusty little honeycombs. The hive by the door belongs to a family of white-faced hornets! Which I've learned are unfairly painted as evil by a lot of people. If you are ever looking into wasps, make sure to check the bug nerd reddit pages and don't click anything hosted by an exterminator. They will exaggerate their behavior to make the bugs seem more dangerous. These guys are pretty chill.
• HOUSE SPARROW FAMILY MEETING Shortly after George and Shirley sparrow found the suet feeder, a cluster of 10 female and baby sparrows piled onto the trash can lid, hopping and bopping around. George sat on the fence near the can, and they all watched as he flew to the suet block. He dangled a little, struggling to get his footing, took a seed, then flew back. A female tried shortly after, then 2 of the babies hopped on the clothing line to watch. After one failed attempt to land on the feeder, the babies gave up and resumed their game of gutterhop.